Mother Dearest

In the Gospel of Matthew, people are called Salt of the Earth--Light of the World. Beautiful beings with the glow of an inner light emanating the beauty of God's love.

But sprinkle salt on a snail and the same celestial angel dust becomes -- Poison.

My mother has the latter effect on me. She can make me so mad that I start to foam at the mouth.

My sister says that I exhibit signs of OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) -- a very slight and minor case, but nonetheless, I believe the basic message is that I suffer some sort of psychological ailment. Apparently OCD stems from anxiety and is a response to feelings of helplessness and loss of control. So, those who are obsessive compulsive channel this anxiety and try to exert control over other areas in life. So, Yes. I do scrub the bathroom tiles in columns of three and carefully measure out Clorox and water in an exact ratio of 1:20 to create a lethally effective disinfectant solution.

I have been giving this diagnosis some thought and I strongly believe that my mother is to blame. I have been constipated since 1996 and that too is most likely her fault.

Susie...I know you're shaking your head right now and saying that I am, once again, being melodramatic. But seriously, don't be another victim. She can be very deceiving. Beneath that veneer of gentility and poise is a raging Korean woman with a river of fire running through her veins. Allusions. Deceptions. Mirages.

You know, my mother insists that David married me on account of her. Apparently, I have her to thank for being blessed with such a wonderful and handsome man. And of course, it's because of her that I have such a beautiful child because I would have never married such a beautiful man without her divine powers of prayer. Apparently, I bring nothing to the gene pool when it comes to Noah's good looks.

She is the Korean version of Rochester's mad woman in the attic. Only, the English seem to lock up their crazy women while the Korean household is run by them. Am I implicating myself of this legacy of lunacy being that I too am Korean? No, because if you recall in an earlier blog, I married a Banana. By default, David's preference for steak over kimchi chi gae qualify us as an American household.

I waited until I was 24 years old to return to college and get my undergrad. My doing.
I finally went back. Her doing.
I finished school in 18 months and graduated with honors. Again, her doing.
I returned home and got a job a Google. Yep -- that's right, all her doing.
I got married to Dave. Her doing.
I had a beautiful baby. Her doing.
Wheat and rice crops fail due to fungal infestation. My doing.

I fear Noah has poor taste in women as he has taken a strong liking to Grandma. Sometimes, in the morning while I drive him over to my mom's I tell him he may bite grandma's toe when she is not looking. He has made a poor agent to date and has yet to fulfill his mission. It will be some time before he reaches 007 status. If I don't see any progress soon I may have to decommission him and assign him to a desk job.

So, what do you do when your greatest adversary is your own flesh and blood and your precious baby's nanny?

Nothing. Scrub harder. Pick and choose your battles. Some foes are too great to overthrow. And, anyway, my sister and dad would never agree to a coup d'état. They attribute my mother's poor behavior to a minor personality flaw. Her egregious offenses are mere infractions to them.

But that is the debilitating power of oppression. My dad has been living with my mother for so long he no longer remembers the sweet taste of freedom, liberty or the pursuit of happiness. And my sister, she's running away to Southern California in a couple weeks under the facade of pursuing her PhD.

Hmmm...

Okay...so, yes. Ultimately, I do love my mother.

And, Yes, my mother is a tremendous help to me. But also at a tremendous cost to my mental sanity. It's what they call a symbiotic relationship in the animal world. Our's is a combination of mutualistic and parasitic interactions.

Sometimes, I just want to drive to Yellow Stone National Park and leave her there. I often threaten her of this fate if she continues to behave as she does. But nothing fazes this woman. She looks me over with disdain and prances away with Noah in her arms because she knows...

"The hand that rocks the cradle is the hand that rules the world". ~ William Ross Wallace

Parents lose custody after naming girl 'Talula Does the Hula From Hawaii'

http://blogs.usatoday.com/ondeadline/2008/07/parents-lose-cu.html

Some names are so weird they constitute child abuse, according to a court in New Zealand.

The family court judge reached that conclusion after hearing evidence in the case of a girl named "Talula Does the Hula From Hawaii."

"A lawyer for Talula Does The Hula From Hawaii had reported the 9-year-old was so embarrassed about her name that she had not revealed it to her friends and was other wise known as 'K,'" New Zealand Herald reports. "The lawyer said the girl feared being mocked and teased, and had a better insight about the situation than her parents, who appeared not to have given any thought to implications of giving their child such a name."

Judge Rob Murfitt placed TDTHFH "under the guardianship of the court" pending the selection of a new name. "It makes a fool of the child and sets her up with a social disability and handicap," he writes, according to the Taranaki Daily News.

In his ruling, which was written in February and released this week, Murfitt shared some of the other unusual names that Kiwis have selected for their children, including one who was named O.crnia, which was how her mother spelled "Oceania" in text messages.

He says children have been named Violence, Midnight Chardonnay and Number 16 Bus Shelter. Twins were named Benson and Hedges.

"It's not about unusual names, it's about objectionable names. Something being unusual or funny or what some people might consider silly might not be offensive to an unusual person," Tony Wallace, a spokesman for the Internal Affairs Department, tells the Daily News. "There's no reason not to accept Cinderella Beauty Blossom or Kaos." (Here's more from Wallace.)

The government tells various news organizations that parents were blocked from giving these names to their children: Fish and Chips, Yeah Detroit, Stallion, Twisty Poi, Keenan Got Lucky, Sex Fruit, Fat Boy, Satan, Adolf Hitler and 4Real.

Father's Day 2008

I will be posting a series of blog entries that will not follow any logical chronology.

Today: Father's Day, May 13th 2008



I had matching shirts made for David and Noah for Father's Day.

We had a picnic at church and played softball afterwards. Noah had a good time with Daddy in the jumper house.

News Flash:

Joe recently sent me an email saying that Costco now carries Gummy Vitamins for ADULTS!

They're $2 off right now, so all you rough, tough, strong, burly men; head over to Costco for your Gummy Vitamins made officially for Adults.

Joe wouldn't admit to taking Gummy Vitamins but if you're getting email notifications on discounts for Gummy Vitamins -- we know what's up :)!

The Littlest Giant

Dear Reader,

Complete the following statement:

In my home, I am the ____________________.

Close your eyes. Take a moment. Think about it. You have your whole life ahead of you and the world lying at your feet.

Good.

Now, here's mine: "In my home, I am the tallest midget."

You ask, "Where is this coming from"?

It comes from a place of defeat.

Who's the boss in your life? For me, I am owned by the shortest giant in the world. He's 31 inches high, 20 lbs heavy, 12 months and 4 days wise. His methodologies and tactics vary and differ from moment to moment. At times he charms me with that dimpled dashing smile and yet in the same breath can shoot me the most smoldering evil eye; a look so terrifying that my hands tremble and shake as I hand over the remote control.

I may be bigger than him, but clearly Noah has made the trip to the Garden of Eden and taken from the Tree of Knowledge:

"In life there are Midgets and Giants. Mommy is the tallest midget I've ever met".

We all know that it's better to be the shortest Giant than the tallest Midget on the block.

The evolving social dynamics in our home is fascinating to observe (despite the young yet ever-tightening grip of oppression). I always imagined myself to be a very strict parent, in control, calling all the shots. My kid was going to sleep when I said to sleep, eat what I said to eat, play when I said to play, walk when I said to walk, never ever cry, and delight me by finger painting Fibonacci's Sequence on his plate with my homemade organic spaghetti sauce...in perfect script nonetheless.

Clearly, there is a huge disparity between reality and my very delusional self image.

So, I sleep when Noah is ready to sleep, I eat what I think Noah will want to eat, I play peek-a-boo like it was the first time every time, crawl around after Noah until I burn holes in jeans and clean his poop every time he drops a bomb.

Oh you ask about Dave?

Let me tell you a story, and readers can draw their own conclusion.

This morning when Noah woke up
Big Daddy Dave scooped him up and
gave him a big hug and kiss.
He was running late for work and gently
put him down on the bed.
But Little Bunny No-No would not have any of this.

He let out a little wail.
And Big Daddy Dave picked him back up
before Noah's tush even touched the sheets.
They walked and talked and played a bit,
sang their morning songs and Daddy stayed a bit.

Once again, the clock was ticking and tocking.
Cell phone was ringing, people were calling.
Daddy stretched his arms out to set him down,
But 'Waaah' went little Noah with a very sad frown.

The Midget of the House said not to fret,
"Just put him down, I'll be done in a sec.
Go to work, don't worry about him.
He'll stop crying, I've got it."

So, Big Daddy Dave gave his very last hug,
One more kiss and a little more love.
He reached out to set Baby Noah down.
"Wah" went the little boy.

And Daddy stuck around.

The End!

Leaders vs Managers

I was thinking about someone from my work.

Not the most likable character. In fact, he's an ass. But a successful and effective manager.

I don't know about you, but I like to have imaginary conversations in my head. Sometimes, it's just cheerful banter, other times I am trying to correct some earlier faux pas/indignation and engaging in a private re-do for self redemptive purposes, and on occasion I find myself lecturing people and doling out pieces of my mind like candy at Halloween. Most of the time, these are people I would never approach in real life out of fear/intimidation/pathetic cowardice. And much of what I 'would' say would very likely result in occupational termination or other harsher consequences like assault...maybe some blood and a broken bone.

In any case, in this particular instance I was enumerating the differences between a manager and leader to this particular individual. Why the former was lesser than the latter and that while he was a successful and efficient manager, he would never transcend and rise to the challenge and calling of a great leader.

But of course, this begs the many questions:

"What is the difference between a manager and a leader"?
"Why is a leader superior to a manager"?
"What's the significance and importance to my personal life"?

For your sake, I will keep it as brief as possible without compromising the profound nuggetry of personal truth and wisdom.

I. Manager vs. Leader

A manager serves a function.
A leader serves a purpose.

II. Superiority of Leadership

Managers maintain the status quo. They manage and regulate. They serve a function.

A leader requires virtue and character. Someone who knows themselves, and knows and cares for those around them, and ultimately envisions something better and greater than the present. They have the ability to identify areas of improvement (personal and collective), identify needs and fulfill those needs. They are visionaries with heart and soul.

III. So What?

As I sit here and contemplate these things, I can see Noah in my peripheral view and it makes me wonder where, when and how I demonstrate these traits in my life. It makes me wonder how I can nurture and encourage Noah to be a leader. It forces me to examine myself closely and truthfully and scrutinize the authenticity of what I speak in relation to how I live.

I believe we are fast becoming a performance based society where success is measured in quantifiable units -- usually, money. In other situations, they are metrics that measure our performance in ways of grades, test scores, goals, quotas, action items, task lists, reviews & evaluations, etc. Inevitably, this creates a psychology that values what you have and what you do. But what about who you are and what you believe?

I realize that while I am a 'satisfactory' mother and fulfilling my function, I have failed to demonstrate qualities of leadership. I try to make sure that the house is clean, the laundry done, the boys are fed, the carpet vacuumed, the refrigerator stocked...but sadly, I haven't spent much time thinking about the truly important things. What kind of mother and wife do I want to be? Is my life exemplifying the kind of values and ethics I want Noah to embrace and imitate? What do I believe? What do I value? And how am I living in such as way that communicates and affirms these convictions? I guess, really what I am asking is: Am I living a purposeful and intentional life and actively contributing to a vision of a better me and a better world?

Mmm...not so much. Because I haven't been thinking. I've just been doing.

But thankfully, it's not too late. Noah is still young and I am confident that whatever damage has been done to his personal politics can easily be undone.

I am realizing more and more than parenthood complicates things exponentially. You can't just claim a belief or position without truly believing and meaning what you say--because you have to believe it enough to subject your child to the consequences.

For example:

I want the best for Noah. I want the very best. This especially includes his education. We have all heard the ugly rumors and stories about the disintegrating public school system. And I think for many families, the immediate reaction is to fall back on private schools. Some of us are fortunate enough to provide this luxury and privilege for our children.

But deep down inside, I believe in the public school system. I believe in what it stands for. I believe that every child has a right to education. I believe that public education is one of the great things about this nation. It may not be the best and most effective, but the ideals and philosophy in which public education is founded on is honorable, good and worth preserving, improving and institutionalizing. And so, I cannot ignore the conflict that arises in my own conscience when I consider the matter. Noah certainly deserves the best but every child deserves the best.

This is just one of the many thoughts that plague me as I face the challenges of parenthood. It's hard to remember to live and model a life of purpose and vision...but even harder to figure out what that purpose and vision is...and ten folds harder executing and acting on those convictions.

As I watch Noah grow with each passing day, it becomes more and more urgent for me to realize some important changes within myself. I must first become what I want my child to be. But more than setting an example...I am shaping the world in which my child will come of age. I have the ability and responsibility of shaping his ethics, his values and his world views and his relationship and responsibility to others and the world around him.

There is some heartache in this realization because I recognize that the kind of person I desire Noah to be will call for selflessness and sacrifice. Because when we stop to consider the great leaders of our time--greatness exacts a very high personal cost.